Look at this place, it’s a mess. Why don’t you sort it out? There’s dust and muck and stuff everywhere. Why are you just sitting there?
I know, I know. I don’t know. I’m tired. I have no energy, no life force. The more I look at it the more it gets me down and I just stay, sat here, waiting for a miracle that I know will never come.
You’re pathetic. Worthless. Why don’t you just do something with your life. Start here. Motivate yourself.
I’m sorry. I’m ashamed, please don’t judge me. It’s hard being like this. I can’t help it. I have no will. I just want to sleep. Sleep and dream. Visit the unknown.
Pull yourself together. Get out into the world. Get some fresh air. Join a club, a reading group, find a hobby instead of wasting your time moping around. Going nowhere.
I’m useless, I know. A disappointment. I dont have any value. I have nothing to give the world. It’s better that I stay here.
And rot? Vegetate? Become a drain on society? Waste your opportunity? Get up. Do something. Show some grit and determination.
I don’t have any grit and determination. Someone stole it, long ago or I never had any. I’ve tried to find it but it doesn’t last very long. Fleeting Like everything in life, it comes and goes. There’s no solidity.
You put rocks in your own path. You feed from your own scripted beliefs. You need to change.
I’ve tried. I try so hard everyday. Don’t make me feel even more guilty than I do. I can’t make it change. I hit road blocks. I get frightened. I don’t trust anything anymore. Please stop shouting at me.
Go out and meet people. Make friends. Try and socialise with real life people. Develop something. That’s what people do. People need people. You’re just fading into a hologram. What’s wrong with you?
I do want people. Real people, but... I’m different. They don’t get the way I think. I feel them judging me. Like you. I’m not like everyday people. I feel vulnerable and not good enough. People hurt you. I’d rather stay in here and think.
So you think you’re special? HA! How about that girl? What happened to her? She was good for you.
She went away. I knew she would, so I just let her go. I can’t give her anything.
You mean you pushed her away. Like you do. She got close and she cared and you slammed the door shut. You made her go away because you made her feel worthless, like you didn’t care. You’re a cruel man.
No, it wasn’t like that. I really liked her but... I’m scared. Unsure. I don’t want to invest in something that will leave me. What’s the point?
But you crave attention and then when you get it you spit in it’s face. Instead you invest your time on mindless notions, idols and media and all things that aren’t real. Fantasy, oblivion. Pretend existence. You’re weak.
Those things can’t hurt me. They give me input. They give me a life because I don’t have one. Why do you hate me so much? Please go away.
You could have done so much with your life. So much raw talent. Such innovation. God gave you gifts. You should have played on those strengths but instead you squandered them. Wasted.
Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I wanted a life full of possibilities. Why don’t you listen? I am unable. I am beaten by my own psyche. I am at constant war in my head. You don’t understand. I could weep for what could have been.
You should weep. You should cry until you’re dry and left with nothing but the shell you are. Pay your penance. You infuriate me.
I’m sorry. Please.. I can’t take this pressure. I feel exhausted. Lost. Confused. My whole body aches. I need to lie down. You need to stop.
Yeah, that’s right, shut the door. Escape to your dreams. You say you want to be different but you do nothing to prove it. You follow the same moulded path to nowhere and then blame everything else. But it’s you that’s the loser. You.
I know. Please...shhh.. You win. You always win. I must sleep.
Go. Snooze and lose. And when you wake up, I’ll still be here. Ten times stronger with a bag full of guilt for you to feast on. I’m part of you and I will never be silenced.
Labels: atozchallenge, depression, doors, fear, interior dialogue, judge and critic