It starts at the beginning: M is for Mental

“You BLOODY started this!” I replied going through all the papers on my desk, desperately trying to find my Apple tablet.” I need to get my thoughts into words..I’m having some amazing ideas.”

“That’s normal Mum, it makes you think. Everybody knows that.”

“Well, you might know that and the people over there might know that and the people that...don’t know WHERE they are might know that but...” I suddenly located my iphone. That would have to suffice. Then I had a thought.

“Where’s my ipad Brendon?” “Did you sell it to furnish yourself with recreational drugs?” I peered into his eyes looking for any signs of lies like a trained profiler.

“Are you trying to ‘out mentalist’ me Mum?” He laughed gazing straight back at me. “You know that’s impossible because I am way smarter than you.”

“PFFT, you like to think that but I actually run rings around you without you EVEN knowing. And if my ipad doesn’t turn up I’ll be selling your computer.”

“Mum. Whatever. I thought you were weird before but you’re actually fucking mental.” He smiled as I glared at him.

I took my phone and wandered in the direction of the happy buddha, Karl, who was giggling away on the sofa watching re-runs of Blackadder. I sat in the corner section of the settee and got to work.

MSG: TO COLIN FRAY:

SOPHIE RHODES: Hey Col, it’s me Soph. Guess what – I’ve had an amazing idea about feeding people.

MSG: TO JOHN SMITH:

SOPHIE RHODES: Johnno, guess what, I think I could get Frank to sponsor an awesome idea I’ve had. Remind me on...that day I come to work.

I sat there waiting for them to reply. It took forever but in reality it was actually only two minutes. “Whoa, the times on a go slow!” I said to Karl. “Everything seems to be taking ages but it’s not really...Bizarre...”

“Sophie, the days are always long in this house.” He smiled over at me. He was now looking completely relaxed and like he’d never, ever left us.

“Were you supposed to be going somewhere tonight?” I questioned. “You said not especially, when I asked earlier.”

My phone beeped.” Hold on,” I said, raising my hand to Karl to stop him responding.

COLIN FRAY: I know it’s you Soph, it tells me it’s you when you text ;) Feeding the people? What people?

SOPHIE RHODES: You know, the people...of the world. Well round here to start with but it could be a peno...pheromone...

“ARRR Fucking phone!” I said out loud to it as I texted.

Phenomenon! Seriously Colin, it’s a new kinda soup kitchen idea!!!

JOHN SMITH: You should be out enjoying yourself. We’re all at the Canal House if you’re interested.:P

SOPHIE RHODES: I can’t – I’ve eaten cake. I’ll see you in another life.

JOHN SMITH: What? LOL. Well, whatever it is, I can’t wait to work with you on it :)

I put my phone down on the sofa and went off to find one of my many notebooks. I had a wonderful collection of them as I had a love of all things paper and stationery. My adoration was so great that I couldn’t bring myself to use some of them because they were too beautiful to spoil.

I still felt as though I was walking on spongey ground and had to be very deliberate of my actions. I teetered slowly past Brendon at his Starship Enterprise.

“Mommy!” He leaned back in his chair and grabbed my arm.

“Don’t touch me. “ I said, batting his arm away.

I found my books and decided life was too short to not use the damn things. Besides, now I had a drug lord in the house I may as well get writing in them before they got used at Rizla replacements. I picked out a stunning red leather one that had a long wrap around, leather cord to keep it closed. The paper pages were thick and lustrous; cream coloured and gilt edged. I lifted it to my nose and breathed in the rich scent of the new pages; reminiscent of vanilla, talcum powder and beeswax polish. Ahhh. ‘This one is perfect for such incredible ideas,’ I thought. I grabbed a pen and went back to the lounge of the Blackadder marathon.

I sat back in my corner and opened my delightful book and ran my hand smoothly down the first page.

“What are you doing?” asked Karl as his sleepy eyes broke away from Baldrick for a second.

“Changing the world.” I replied, heady with belief. He smiled and returned to the TV.

I began to write: Sophie’s soup kitchens. I underlined it as it was SO important.

COLIN FRAY: Don’t we already have soup kitchens or something along those lines?

SOPHIE RHODES: Well I’ve never seen one – have you?

COLIN FRAY: Err, no, but I’m sure there’s something.

SOPHIE RHODES: YES but not everywhere – I’m going to turn red phone boxes into a ‘dining for one’ experience!

COLIN FRAY: O...K...sounds peculiarly interesting. Better than the current conversation I’m having over here anyway!

SOPHIE RHODES: Are you in the canal with Johnno?

COLIN FRAY: You mean the Canal House?! No, I’m with Trudie and a selection of her friends in Tantra.

SOPHIE RHODES: A harem of women in Tantra bar! Tut tut, Colin. Maybe this one’s a keeper then?! ;)

COLIN FRAY: It’s £5 for a coke in here! Robbing bastards! And no, I’d rather be ANYWHERE else than here...sigh.

SOPHIE RHODES: A fiver for a coke! You can get a blow job for less than that in this city!

COLIN FRAY: SOPH!!

SOPHIE RHODES: I can’t believe you haven’t pulled rank and told the manager who you are! You can get free drinks like that you know...I do!

COLIN FRAY: Please tell me you DON’T do that..:O

SOPHIE RHODES: Only at McDonalds ;) Ok – I need to work on my phone boxes – go away and get busy with your bitches and I’ll see you someday soon.

COLIN FRAY: Monday, Soph, Monday would be good. :)

Before I put down my phone I remembered ‘The Voice.’ I clicked on my game. I tried to play a remarkable word but couldn’t seem to find one. I settled with AE on the side of something else. It was lame but it rid me of the irritable vowel syndrome.

Sophistication: So why are you called The Voice? What are you a singer or something? A singing monkey perhaps?

I looked over at Karl who seemed to be in a world of his own, watching TV in a spaced out kind of way. I felt suddenly weary.

“Are you tired?” I asked.

“Very.” He replied laughing a little after he said it.

“What’s so funny now?!” God, I’d never seen him laugh so much.

“We’ve been drugged by our son, and whilst I want to go crazy at him, I’ve actually been the most happy and relaxed than I have in a long time.” He locked his eyes with mine and kept my gaze. I didn’t like it and broke away. Way too uncomfortable.

“It reminds me of the days when we used to have fun, when life was easy. Remember those days Soph?”

“Not nearly enough.” I sighed. “They’ve been sullied by hardship and sadness.”

“Look, let’s go to bed.” He suggested.

I looked at him blankly. Did he mean he was going to my bed? Wasn’t he going to stay here on the sofa?

“Let me just sleep next to you. I want nothing else.” He looked sincere and honest.

“I just miss lying next to you and sleeping. Having someone warm nearby. Having you nearby.” His eyes looked remarkably glossy but maybe I just wanted to see that. Besides, his face had been leaking all night long.