What's the alternative?

Alternative therapies.  Well, I've certainly had my fair share of them and pretty much had a go at everything and (as my friends will tell you) I'll be first in line  to have a go at anything unusual and maybe even drag them along with me for some magical, life enhancing experience...or not..  Here are a few I have tried to date:
Yoga - not too scary, or too alternative, in fact pretty much mainstream unless of course, you're me.  Having been told that relaxing would be a good idea for me to try (Relax?!! too busy to relax TCH!)  I thought I'd give yoga a go.  Found it very difficult to 'centre' my thoughts as I was too busy wondering why the woman on the left had come out in her pyjamas.  We were then told to lie down and breathe in squares..AY?  No Comprende.  Apparently you must breathe in and and out whilst imagining a rectangular shape in your stomach as you breathe along the rectangular lines. Very odd. I started hyperventilating as I wondered what it would be like to breathe in triangles and then circles (very fast - not good) and got told off for not concentrating properly so decided that I'd be much happier 'saluting the sun' as they do in yoga from a 5 star hotel room in Bora Bora .  So next on my list was 'Dynamic meditation' which I thought sounded, well, dynamic!  Decided to take My Mother along for this experience as 'alternative' isn't really her style and I like to push people out of their comfort zones.  How cruel.  So, big room, many people all looking a little bit like crack addicts if I'm being honest.  The first thing we had to do was release our inner turmoil by dancing wildly like a tree. Yes, exactly.  It was at this point when my Mother gave me 'one of those looks' that I realised maybe I'd overstepped the boundaries.  People began to flay their arms around like birch trees in a tornado and some even started speaking in tongues (drugs).  Then we had to go and shout at someone random in the group.  Go up to them and shout at them loudly about something that's upsetting you.  How about "THIS CLASS IS UPSETTING ME I'M SCARED" At the end most people were very hot and sweaty after their shouting and dancing and trying to hug everyone in the room - that's normal - and I kept trying to avoid the very sweaty, tongue -talking, Jesus lookalike that kept making a beeline for me.  My Mother didn't speak to me for a while.  Next I was asked if I wanted to try 'Yogic laughing'  Hmmm - sounds interesting, I thought.  I asked my friend Theresa if she'd like to go along and although a little sceptical she decided to humour me.  Well, it's all about laughing to make you feel better and cure all anxieties within.  Not, however, to cause them which it did to Theresa and I when we had to walk around a room shaking strangers hands and 'Laughing out loud' at the same time.  Then we had shoot 'pretend' arrows and laugh out loud until they landed.  This continued with a myriad of many different games and brought a whole new meaning to the word LOL. Next someone told me about a 'psychic masseur'  Now I LOVE getting massaged and if she's going to tell me a bit of a story at the same time then great.  What could possibly go wrong?  I was greeted by what most would describe as a 'crazy lady'  with a strong Arabic accent.  Extremely friendly and touchy-feely, she asked me to go into the room and strip naked. "Even take off your panties ma dahlink" she boomed!  Oh. God, Please...no.  I tried to look for easy signs of escape but found none.  I decided I had no choice but to go through with it.  Standing stark naked in her therapy room, I glanced round looking for a towel or something to cover my body when in she came. " Dahlink, you must stand in front of this full length mirror and look at your body while I get your energy" she said as she ran her hands up and down my aura.  'Oh please help me God' I thought desperately.  Even Gok Wan wouldn't subject me to this! Nobody is going to believe this one when I tell them!  She then let me lie on the bed whilst she brought messages from my spirit guide, who, allegedly is some walking hormone of an Egyptian who finds me very very sexy.  Great.  Well isn't that a comfort.  Only I would get a pervy spirit guide who now has me in fear of getting changed in my own bedroom incase he's looking!!  Think I'll just stick to a nice swedish massage and a walk in the woods to relieve my stresses from now on, oh, and not forgetting of course a nice large, well deserved glass of wine!